Word of the Day!

Things have calmed down a bit with my family. It's been about two months almost since he has passed. So much has happened - some good and some bad. Looking back some of it was silly to be so worried about but then again how could I have known...? For example there was the subject of my nephew David and I honestly wasn't sure what would happen with him and his custody. His mother lost it years ago and my parents are his guardians now. But with my mom's health not in the best something needed to be done with where he would live and who would raise him. While my dad was still alive it was talked about if my parents couldn't keep him that he may go to my one brother and his wife since they got along so well and they are a well adjusted couple with a stable home life. And this was sort of the idea for a few weeks at the start of things. Now things have calmed down between David and his mom and from what I gather he wants to live with her as well as I don't think my brother and his wife are in a place to take on David since they lost their son Alex this past August. But I was somewhat involved I feel like I was more than I should have been but I was worried about David since for awhile there he wasn't wanting to go back to his mothers at all.

Then the topic of being power of attorney for my mother was something I realized I did not want. I was and still am okay being the top person on her living will but the idea of being in charge of everything in general truly caused me deep anxiety. I was actually considering getting on anxiety medication because my worries were so bad that I would mess up on something. But now two of my brothers have taken charge with that role - or Medical power of attorney - I'm not sure to be honest and it's okay to be in the dark with this subject. Hopefully that doesn't sound bad. The idea of making major decisions or following through with legal stuff I feel like would be better for someone else. Maybe that's secretly the good thing about having all older and more experienced siblings. My mom seems to be more understanding about my thoughts on the matter. I will do as much as I can for her and do everything I can otherwise. Taking that weight off my shoulders has helped greatly.

We will be having a meeting tomorrow about things with my mom with my siblings, her and two relativities who have been staying with her. I hope it goes well, there have been some disagreements and issues with some stuff. From my mom's first marriage there are a total of 5 living children. Then Anna and I from my mom and dad and also there are 5 children from my dad's first marriage. Only one daughter is involved, both his sons have passed on as well as his one daughter. But out of those kids it'll just be my mom's biological children involved with this meeting. Sometimes I feel like it's so many kids and then other times it feels like it's going to work out.... mixed feelings at times. Family has and probably always will be complicated.

Back to my dad and grieving him... it's been difficult at strange times. Today for example I was off and home all day, I decided to take a bath. I like to listen to the radio and one of the only stations I could get in was a weird christmas one. It was fine until I got out and one song just caught me off guard... I think it was have a merry little christmas or something along those lines. And towards the end of the song it talked about being all together if the fates allow. And then talking about just getting through it if that wasn't the case.... or something like that. And it just caused me to break out and cry and it sucked. Then there are other times where I am out in public and I just want to go home, I just hate being around strangers and happy people and all the noise and sights and smells. Some kind of overload. Lately this has been happening in restaurants when Mike and I are out. I just get annoyed and cross.
When I do see other old men I don't get mad or sad or anything like that. It honestly makes me happy when I see similar old men that remind me of my dad. I've talked to other people and have read in some of the grief books that sometimes seeing someone who looks like the one you lost can be upsetting but this hasn't been the case with me. My dad would sometimes joke about girls finding him to be a cute old man. He would wear a baseball cap (one of his Vietnam ones usually) and suspenders. That was usually what he would always have one. Sometimes some brightly colored shirts or sometimes some more down to earth colors. Blue jeans or dress pants depending on where he would be going. But it's funny how many other old men wear similar clothes to him or walk like him or just have an air to them that gives me comfort in a strange way. They are still here and alive while my dad is gone. And it doesn't make me mad but just happy that these other cute old men are around living their lives.
After awhile reading the books was making me sad. A few times I would start to get teary eyed while reading and after that happened so many times I was just tired of being like that. Reading usually makes me feel great emotions but to just feel so sad and heavy was getting to be too much. So now I will read other books like 'Sunrise on the reaping' has been a good distraction.
Being at my mom's at times makes me still very sad. Last week I had a good cry when the subject of deserts came up. My mom offered us ice cream and other goodies like my dad would always do and it just sucked... knowing he will never be able to offer us any home made cookies, cakes, brownie's, ice cream again. I hate it. That was one of his favorite things. He would always be baking or cooking. He loved food and sharing it. He made this cinnamon type cake the week that he passed and I took two little pieces back home. It was a yellowish color with homemade white icing. I remember eating a piece the day of his calling hours before I went and the day of his funeral before I went to that, too. And it gave me a sort of weird comfort. The last food my father baked and shared. As I ate both pieces I had another good cry. Food honestly hasn't been the same, I think about him a-lot when I eat strangely enough.
Having his dog now has been a blessing in disguise. Fynn was greatly loved by my father and now that I can love and care for him has been good for me. I feel like I less sad at home now. I play with him, talk with him, take him out on walks. It's peaceful to have him around. And both Wiley and Fynn have become fast friends which is nice. We still need to figure out the potty training. That has been difficult. Also sometimes Fynn is still stealing Wiley's toys which is a pain. Wiley has been better about getting his toys and playing keep away. The two of them will work things out I think, it's been close to a month now and the two have only gotten into two little spats over toys.

I think I have mentioned it before but after we lost Alex in our family some of us started to get things in order with our funerals and planning those out. I'm grateful my dad and mom did this. Just about 20 some days before he passed. My dad and I had a conversation about death and our remains. He bought his plot here in town and for a minute I thought about wanting to be buried next to his plot even through it may not be a green burial. That was when I found out how costly it would be. Dad told me it didn't matter where I would be at when I passed because him and mom had the same view - the body is just a vessel and when we are dead it's just a body. So he supported me in wanting to still do a green burial and after some thought I decided that I could still get that when I pass. Because my dad will always be with me in spirit... and I like to believe he can still live in me and everything I do. That gives me some comfort.

I know this is a hit or miss topic but I feel most of you will agree.... but AI truly freaks me out. I've fallen for stupid videos of stuff that AI has made a few times too many. I have been able to spot stuff when looking at a single image. There are a few reasons I am going to start going on social media less and this is one of the main reasons. I shared a post about a week ago asking if there was any way to block AI from being in my feed or at least even having some boundaries with it but little to no help since places like Facebook it seems to be all too common. Some people I have on my friends list use those stupid AI image filters - like what I saw so much around Halloween time where you could have you put on a movie case or in a scene of a scary movie. It just felt so fake and stupid.... this is the world we are living in and it just makes me feel uninterested in it and want to put some real distance there.
Do any of you guys have any experience on how to spot for certain things? I feel like over time AI is just going to keep getting better and more advanced and I won't be able to tell the difference.

For the last few days I've been reading 'Sunrise on the reaping' by Susanne Collins and it's hard to put down! I've always been such a big Hunger Games fan. With the new movie coming out next November I've been seeing hints about it on social media and out of curiosity picked up the book I bought awhile back. The grief books were good but after awhile it was just making me feel sad and I wanted to read something different for a bit. And this has been a good distraction, especially with Christmas going on and not feeling the holiday spirit this year. It's nice to just throw myself into a book and a series I love.

This book is about Haymitch Abernathy and the Quarter Quell that he ended up winning. So far I am on chapter 13 and there has been a-lot of older characters in the mix. Learning more about Mags, Beetee, Wiress, Plutarch, President Snow and now Effie. And of course Haymitch! There is a-lot that makes sense about his character and backstory. So far the story is pretty messed up with all the corruption of the Capitol and President Snow (I expected no less) and I know it'll only get worse. I loved the second book (Catching Fire) so when I learned that these older victors are a part of the story.

Are any of you guys Hunger Games fans? If you are do you like the movies? The books? Both? Let me know, maybe in the future I'll try to write more about this subject.